“I take a couple of swigs of whiskey and say, ‘OK Laura, today is the day you will fight your biggest fear in life.'”
Okay so I’ve been debating whether to post this because I’m convinced people will think I’m an incapable human being at life and adulthood but I’ve figured they’re right and I may as well.
Today I saw a mouse in my son’s room.
Stewart Little has decided to come in my house and set up camp near my sons drawers. (Not his pants, American people, his clothes drawer thing).
I saw it and I froze. And it was the kinda freeze that you feel like you shouldn’t even breathe. Where your air escapes your lungs.
I’m trying to find my pulse again when my daughter decides to strut into the room with her toddler swag and I scream ‘no!’ And it wasn’t just any no. It was the loudest ‘noooooooooooooooooooooo’ I’ve ever made in my life. So I shut the door and I leave little Jerry (Tom’s mate) to his own devices.
I decided to call my husband because there’s a mouse in the house, and when there is a mouse in the house other than blow-torching the house down there isn’t much in the way of rational thinking. He answers the phone and I say “mouse” I stutter because I’m f*cking terrified. This is no Mickey Mouse, OK?. This is Ratatouille but smaller, and he isn’t making some delicious soup, he’s gonna spray out pebble poo and make babies everywhere and in my sons ears and they’ll crawl in my mouth … mouse in my mouth!!!
“Huh?” he says.
“Mouse in house,” I say, still shaken.
“Cat in hat” he replies.
“No babe, there’s a mouse in Luca’s room! You need to come home NOW and take it outside!”
“Oh Bub, you just take it outside, or just kill it”
Obviously this guy hasn’t seen the movie Witches, where the witch turns into a mouse after eating soup and gets stomped on by the chef and green pus sprays out.
“There are children in the house, your children. You need to come here. I can’t save them” He laughs. He thinks I’m joking. This face isn’t joking. This face is scared that this mouse is going to radio The Rescuers and call his other mice friends to come and have a pebble poo party orgy.
NOT ON MY WATCH MOUSE. Not on my watch.
But of course, he can’t see my face because he’s on the phone.
“OK, I’m being serious. There’s a mouse in the house and I’m FREAKING THE F OUT!”
I actually did swear but I’ll try and be cool in this post. Pretty sure I called the mouse the C-word.”Where is it?” He asks
“In Luca’s room.”
“I dunno, I’ll open the door.”
I open the door so slowly … inch-by-inch in snail speed, so slow that I can hear my husband asking if I’m still there.
And it’s there. In the same spot.”It’s dead!!!!!” I shut the door. Oh my lord the mouse is dead. I have a DEAD mouse in my house. I start to cry a little bit “It’s dead … it never had a chance to live its life!”
“Babe, just go scoop it up with a piece of paper and put it in the bin. I have to go to a meeting.”
So I hung up on him. Because obviously I’m alone in this. I’m alone and I need to be the brave one … so I take a couple of swigs of whiskey and say “OK Laura, today is the day you will fight your biggest fear in life and remove a dead mouse from your house.”
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